Power Struggles
My twin daughters are adorable, intelligent, kind and completely driving us insane with boundary-pushing, not following guidelines, and arguing over every single detail of life.
Everything tends to be a battle. The rhythm of our day - from getting dressed, going out, taking baths, bedtime, etc. are barely ever accomplished without some sort of power struggle or meltdown. One of my daughters screamed for an hour because the dress she wanted to wear to bed (dress not PJs, because they refuse to wear anything else) was soiled and unavailable.
If we set firm boundaries we are met with extreme reactions and tantrums. We use conscious discipline principles but it doesn’t seem to be effective at all in managing these big emotional outbursts.
I’m desperate and feel guilty. Twin parenting has always been a struggle but these days it’s downright unbearable.
Any advice is appreciated.
Sara—mother of twin 4-year-olds
Someone once said, “It’s double the giggles, and double the grins, and double the trouble if you’re blessed with twins.”
I commend you for your efforts to discipline them consciously; it is no simple task when raising littles, and two at the same time can feel that much more draining.
If you haven’t already, be intentional about how you are caring for yourself throughout the day. Eat when you are hungry. Pause and rest when you are tired, and drinking water to stay hydrated.
Your twins are at an age where they have an innate desire to assert their power and control over the world. Will they always make a wise choice? No! But developmentally, they need to gain a sense of autonomy and individual initiative. When they can do so, they develop a sense of purpose and act with intention.
The difficultly lies when their desires conflict with your desires for them.
You want them to put on their pajamas, and they insist on wearing dresses that are not available.
You want them to take a bath, and they insist on skipping it and extending playtime.
Before you know it, you are in a power struggle, and in power struggles, no one wins.
Either they get their want by pushing the limits so much that you cave. However, too much of this teaches a child that these behaviors will get them what they want, and they will continue to repeat them. Or you keep insisting and battling until you are exhausted and resort to yelling or punishing. None of which helps the relationship that is fundamental to making it through this challenging stage.
To help all of you during the power struggles, you’ll want to focus on three things—limits, emotion regulation, and choice.
Think carefully about the limits you have. Which limits can they negotiate, and which ones are non-negotiable?
Bedtime, for example, may be a limit that you are not willing to negotiate on outside special occasions. The limit will be one that you hold firmly regardless of how much protesting your child does—other limits, however, you may be willing to negotiate, such as what your child wears to bed. Your child doesn’t want to wear pajamas and demands a dress, help her communicate her want more effectively, and then negotiate a clean, comfortable dress for the pajamas.
You have taught her how to communicate her wants effectively without whining, yelling, or hurting, and she gains a sense of power and control to make her own choices.
In other situations, as much as possible, offer her two positive choices. “We are getting ready to leave the house and need to get ready. You can choose between putting on your favorite shoes or brushing your teeth. Which one do you want to do first?” Every so often, pair the choices with a way to connect. Challenge her to a race to the bathroom or a race to get shoes on. Will you be able to do it in under 2 minutes?
With the non-negotiable limits, expect there to be big emotions. Your child wants to assert her control and is told she can not. It is a complicated and difficult thing to accept! Your primary job is to remain calm and acknowledge her upset feelings—coregulate.
Although preschoolers are more verbal and mobile, they still need emotional support. Well over half of the time they have big feelings they will be unable to self-regulate. Remember they will need you, and their expression of their big feelings does not mean you are doing something wrong.
For limits that you anticipate being difficult, acknowledge how difficult it will be for them, how you are there for them, and how they can express their emotions. They can talk, cry, run, get a hug, jump, blow out their anger, or cuddle with a stuffed animal. Try different coping strategies and notice which ones your child prefers.
Helping them learn to regulate their emotions is a long process, and the more you show up for your child now, the more you are helping them build up their emotional regulation bank.