Helping Children Share
Photo by Charles Parker from Pexels
Should we make children share?
It is a big concern for us as parents. We want to raise children who kind and considerate rather than selfish and rude. There is also a tremendous amount of information that advocates making children share and not making children share.
Children are egocentric and do not know how to share.
Children are wired for empathy and can share.
Both are true. Children are egocentric and biologically wired for empathy. Children as young as 12 months begin to show early signs of empathy and can share resources unprompted; however, they often share in ways that ultimately benefit them.
As adults, we rarely give something to another simply because they want it. We listen to their want and consider how we can work together to develop a solution that works for both.
Rather than asking should we make children share, let’s reframe it to, how can I teach my child to consider another and problem-solve together.
Here’s how to do it:
When you have friends or family members over, and your child is unwilling to share, shouting “Mine! Mine!”
Help them connect to their emotion.
Parent: “You sound frustrated. I hear you do not want to share your toy right now. Letting someone else borrow your toy is hard. That makes sense.”
They may say something or remain silent. If they are dysregulated, help them regulate, then continue to perspective-taking.
Parent: “Our friends came over to play today, and Sammy looks very excited to play with the toy plane. Can you believe that both you and Sammy love to play with the toy plane! How fun!”
Notice what is happening with your child. If they are frowning and clinging to the toy, connect with their emotions. When ready, coach your child to problem-solve with the other.
For a toddler, you may be the one doing the talking, and that is okay. Your child is watching you and learning from what you model.
Parent: “You are not ready to give your toy to Sammy, and that is okay. Let’s think about when you will be done and when Sammy will get a turn. How about you hang onto it until snack time, and then Sammy gets a turn?”
Ask both children if this will work for them, and if it doesn’t, consider another option. It may be possible that both children lose interest and play with something different after all the perspective-taking and problem-solving.
Such is the life of a toddler.