The Strong-Willed Child and Bedtime
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Our 3-year-old is strong-willed, and going through an extremely trying tantric stage. For the past 4 nights she is happy until the second we say goodnight and then she just starts screaming. She’s inconsolable. Throwing her head back and yelling as if she’s being stabbed. After 30 Minutes and removing her from the room she shares with her brother so he can sleep she will finally go from screaming to crying and saying she’s tired.
The bedtime tantrums are new, though she’s had fits like this during the day on and off for the past year. I’m feeling defeated and wishing there was something I could do to help her.
Laura— Mother of 3
It is exhausting when your persistent and determined child is struggling at bedtime and you feel lost in how to help her.
Strong-willed children are often known for their determination and ability to put up a fight when they feel a request does not align with their wishes. While it can be exhausting to raise them, keep in mind that in the safety of your limits and compassion, your daughter will become an adult who knows what she wants. She will trust her judgment and speak up for herself (and others) when needed.
Bedtime, I am assuming, has not been a concern. Now all of a sudden, your daughter is having inconsolable tantrums right at bedtime! Before we jump into what she may need, let us consider common bedtime fears.
Around 2-4 years old, children often develop bedtime fears of the dark, shadows, loud noises, and sleeping alone. Sometimes there is a direct correlation to the fear, such as a thunderstorm that passed through a few nights ago, but most of the time, there is not. One evening they can sleep alone, and the next night they are terrified of it.
If she expresses fears of these or other things at bedtime, accept the fear and reassure her of her safety. Give her time during the day to communicate the fear through plenty of silly play and reality testing, such as playing and making shadows on the wall. As she shares the concern, likely by calling things "bad" or saying "go away," help her identify a feeling.
"Oh, when the shadow appears, you feel scared. You don't want them to be there."
As bedtime approaches, you may want to roughhouse, play chase, or do other active games where she can laugh and release oxytocin.
However, it may be that she is overtired and can benefit from an earlier bedtime and a calmer activity. If this is the case, while jumping around and playing chase may not be the best activity for her on certain days, the goal can still be to do something that will help her feel connected to you.