Managing Anger Toward New Siblings
My son just turned 4 years old and he is so full of anger toward his 8-month-old baby brother. He has moments of love and adoration for him, but mostly I spend every minute trying to keep the baby safe. My older kiddo is desperate for attention, always wants more snuggles even after spending lots of time together. He is not getting the hang of sharing his parents with his little brother. I have soaked up all the parenting accounts and use alllll the emotional validation. We are at a point where we need consequences for the aggressive behavior so that he doesn’t think it’s okay and I don’t know what I need to do without doing timeouts (which I don’t agree with or believe work!) - but I’m so lost because he can’t keep hurting his brother and I’m afraid he will eventually hurt another student when he goes back to preschool in the fall. He is very very smart. Reading fluently. Not amazing at naming his emotions yet. We have the generation mindful calming corner.
Brittany, mother of 2
I can understand why you are feeling frustrated. You’ve spent time with him, encouraged him to express his emotions, followed the advice, and are working hard to be a good parent to both children, but your child continues to act out aggressively toward the younger child.
When his brother was born, he was a young 3-year-old during a pandemic. But even before that, his routine likely changed. Access to family and friends decreased with a baby on the way and the need for safety. Pandemic, new routines, fewer familiar faces, developmental changes, and a new baby are a lot of changes for a toddler! I share this to paint a picture of what your current preschooler may be experiencing and the fear of losing you manifesting through his aggressive behavior.
While your 4-year-old is having difficulty adjusting to his brother, it’s not your job to make him enjoy his sibling’s presence, but it is your responsibility to keep both children safe. I agree with you. I don’t think punishing him will help him stop the aggressive behaviors. Punitive punishment may reinforce his belief that his younger brother has separated the two of you. On the other hand, a logical consequence, such as putting a toy away if thrown, is not the same as punitive punishment. Or being removed from the living room to calm down in a smaller contained area is not the same as punitive punishment.
For the behavior, you’ll want to stop it while lovingly addressing your child immediately. A firm and straightforward, “I will not let you hurt. You may be upset, but hurting is not allowed.” He may need to release his emotions. Stay present and regulated. When he is in a more receptive state, you can encourage him to express himself differently. “Can you show me how upset you are by X.” (Scribbling on a paper or stopping his feet)
You mentioned he is familiar with a calming corner, so you may want to encourage him to go there and help him recognize his emotions and alternative ways to cope. Use that time to empathize with his emotions and experience. If he tries to continue hurting, you may need to move him to a safer place where he can release his feelings.
I’d encourage you to reflect on and shift, if needed, to connection versus attention. Spending your time preventing injuries has likely created stress for both of you. Laughter and physical play are two great ways to release emotions and create oxytocin. Get silly, roughhouse, and when possible, address power struggles with a sense of humor. Generally, the principle with laughter is to avoid forced laughter, such as when a child is being tickled.
The more you can help him work out those fears and reassure him through your presence that all parts of him are safe and secure with you, the less he’ll be concerned about his new sibling, and in time he can begin to appreciate his younger brother.
Best wishes,
Sidu