“It’s not fair!”

"It's not fair!"

Have you heard this phrase in your home? 

When one sibling outgrows their shoes and needs to get a new pair, another sibling might proclaim, "It's not fair! how come he gets a new pair, and I don't?"

Or perhaps you go out for ice cream with your tween, and the youngest shouts, "It's not fair! You always take her out and not me!"

When our children proclaim something isn't fair in the family system, there is often an underlining message in their words—this doesn't feel good, and I'm experiencing big emotions.

Wanting to teach your child that life is unpredictable and therefore unfair, you may respond with, "Life isn't fair." While the lesson that life is unpredictable is helpful, your children know this through everyday life experiences, such as when they cannot go to their playdate because of a thunderstorm or mom has to stop playing to make dinner. 

These moments are not the time to teach these lessons. Your child may miss the lesson and instead experience you denying their emotion and experiences. Giving in to the request denies them the opportunity to build tolerance and that is what we often want, to help our child build their window of tolerance.

When your child claims that something isn't fair, let your presence communicate, "Everyone's needs are important. In our family, we take care of everyone's needs."

The child who needs new shoes gets new shoes. The child who needs emotional support gets emotional support.

You look beyond the words to what your child is experiencing—sadness, anger, jealously and help them move through their emotions. Your child needs someone who can acknowledge and stay present with them while they move through their feelings. When you do this, they are building tolerance for the difficult, for the unfair.