Help! I Keep Getting Angry When My Child Won’t Learn
Hi!
I’ve found that I get super frustrated and mad when I’m going over learning things ie. Counting, with my son. I was trying to make a learning experience out of him wanting gummy bears so I asked him how many he wanted he said 5, so I told him to count them out. He was good until 5 and wouldn’t say it. I know he knows how to count and thought he was being silly not remembering and I got mad. It happened again this morning. He couldn’t remember what came after 2 and I got upset. I was like a drill sergeant making him count until he got it right twice in a row. I have no idea where that came from. My parents never did that with me. I made him cry and I feel super guilty about it. I don’t want to make learning traumatic for him. I want to be patient and calm. Any reading suggestions or tips? Thanks so much!!
Crystal, mother of a 3 year old
I commend your awareness that something is happening inside you and your desire to explore it and make changes. Every parent experiences moments where they behave in ways that do not align with their values, so the first thing is to remember that you are a human. You make mistakes. You get angry and upset, and you can repair both with your child and yourself.
Remind yourself, “This moment does not define me or my relationship with my child. I’m human. I make mistakes.” Greeting yourself with compassion can help you approach your child with understanding when he doesn’t get his numbers or letters correctly.
As far as why you reacted with anger and where it stems from, here’s a few ideas and suggestions:
These are ideas, and as always, not a replacement for individual therapy that can allow you to explore more in-depth.
Everyday stress and anxiety. We are still in a pandemic, and it is hard. With taking care of your child and home, possibly balancing work, isolated from others, and the social and political turmoil, it is that much harder to stay calm all the time. It is simply hard right now for many parents.
High expectations. You mention that you wanted to make two incidents into a learning opportunity and didn’t respond in a way you’d like when your son was being silly and not remembering. I wonder if you were expected to be the responsible one growing up? If you were expected to care for younger siblings or to mitigate family conflict. If now, as an adult, you feel safe when you are in control of situations and have a difficult time “letting loose.” If the expectation was for you to be the responsible child, the parentified child, it makes sense why you have little tolerance for silliness and imperfection from not only your child but yourself!
Notice and take responsibility for your needs now. Children who had to fulfill parental roles or expectations may have difficulty caring for their needs as they become adults. Notice what you’re experiencing and take small actionable steps to care for your needs. It could be making a daily effort to do something you enjoy, allowing yourself to experience the emotion without rationalizing it, making an effort to rest, eat, and get sunlight. It could be taking an extended break from teaching your son and instead focusing on laughing together and doing things he and you may enjoy together.
Incorporate playfulness into your life. When your son doesn’t remember the numbers or responds with silliness, play along. It may feel hard because this has not been the way you have operated, but fun maybe what both of you need at the moment. When he gets to four, pause and says eight! Respond with something like, “Eight! What! I thought it was 12!” He may look unsure, and you can continue to make it into something playful that helps him giggle and help you release some tension and challenge those expectations.
Your son is three, and while learning letters and numbers can be helpful, this is also a great time to help him develop his executive function skills. Many can be practiced through structured and unstructured play, not necessarily rigorous academic learning.