Big Emotions — When Things Don’t Work Out
Hi Sidu,
How do I handle it when my 4 yo son has big emotions when things don’t work his way? For example, when his pillow fort doesn’t stay up or one lego doesn’t fit into another he gets so frustrated/angry to the point where he cries and throws said toys.
Senia
It is natural and developmentally appropriate for your son to be upset when things don’t go his way. He has had only four years in this world and now can understand how things work and therefore experience frustration when they don’t work out! His way of expressing his emotions may be crying, and it’s okay, but helping him recognize his upset emotions can help him find a different alternative to throwing his toys.
Here are five things you can do to help him recognize his emotions and choose a different alternative:
1. Normalize making mistakes. Think about when you make a mistake. How do you respond? Children learn how to respond to themselves by what they see us modeling and how we communicate with them when they are less than perfect (always because we’re humans!). Try to intentionally make a mistake each day for the next week in front of your son; make a note if it helps. When you mess up, really play it out without giving much notice to your son’s presence. “Oh no! I forgot to buy strawberries. Ugh, I love strawberries. Sometimes I forget. I think that’s okay. I can make mistakes. Maybe, I’ll write it down and put it on the refrigerator to remember next time. Now, what will I have now.”
2. Set a gentle limit if necessary. While you did not mention it, if he throws objects that could cause harm or destroy property, you must step in with a loving (not mean) limit.
3. Normalize and narrate his emotions. When he does get upset because something doesn’t go his way, if he is in a state where he is receptive to words, help him recognize and normalize his emotions by narrating back what you observe. “The fort is not working! Ugh. You are feeling quite frustrated.” Contrary to traditional parenting belief, you are not encouraging him to cry or wallow in his emotions. You are teaching him to observe emotions and make sense of them.
4. Be slow to rescue and quick to support. When our son is frustrated, it is normal to want to help them figure it out. It’s hard as a parent to see our children be in pain, but resilience comes from being challenged in the context of supportive relationships, not from being rescued or left alone to figure it out. When the fort or the lego construction is not going according to his plan be, offer emotional support and help him figure out what he wants to do after. Together brainstorm other ideas that may work for his form and encourage his persistence regardless of the fort working out or not.
5. Practice coping strategies. Think about what you do when you are stressed, frustrated, or angry. How do you help yourself? You’ll want to help your child develop his coping strategies toolbox. The key is to practice these strategies often and in times when he is not entirely dysregulated. When he builds his tower and gets frustrated, encourage him to recognize his emotions and come up with an actional way to regulate. A few suggestions: He could take a break and get a drink of water. Talk to you about his frustration. Wiggle around to release the energy.
Emotional regulation is a process that takes time to develop. Somedays, your child may not be receptive at all and may have a complete meltdown. That’s okay too. Stay present and remember you have not failed your child.