Childhood Fears Surrounding Death
We had a recent death in our family due to Covid. My six-year-old now is afraid to sleep alone since she feels she could die. I have provided empathy and reassurance and explained death. Do you have any other resources for kids related to Covid and death?
First, I send my deepest condolences to your family over the death of your loved one. Despite societal expectations, grief is not linear, and your family may experience emotional highs and lows, as is true for your child. As a society, we expect people to grieve for a couple of months and then carry on unaffected, but grief does not work that way.
Grief shows up when we see an image or smell something that reminds us of our loved one. Grief is present during the holidays or on special occasions when we usually see loved ones. Grief may also be present at any time and for no apparent reason. When there is death, we not only experience grief over losing a loved one but are confronted with our frail humanity. Children like us experience the reality that life is not certain. There is both grief of losing someone and anguish of knowing that our bodies are not infinite. Because these concepts are difficult to process, children (and adults) develop anxious thoughts and worries. If we think about it or worry enough, we can prevent pain and hurtful emotions.
During the day, we have many things to distract us from our pain. We go to school. Go to work. Run errands. Play outside with friends. Go to sports. Feed the dog and so on. But at night, we have nothing but ourselves, darkness, and our worries. For your child or anyone for that matter, it makes sense why they are struggling to sleep alone at night.
Depending on the severity of your child’s anxiety and how it affects their sleep, you may consider temporarily changing your sleeping arrangements. If your child is not sleeping at night in their room, you may want to move their bed or let them sleep on a pallet in your room. In this event, talk to your child about the new sleeping arrangements. Let them know that you hear their worries and concerns, and they will temporarily stay in your room while you work together to feel safe enough to sleep in their room. I would also strongly consider working with a registered play therapist (RPT) who can work with both of you in developing coping skills suited to your child.
If your child is sleeping during the night but struggling with the transition of falling asleep, here are several tips to help you both.
1. Know your role
Because grief is not linear, your child may be experiencing lows when you are experiencing highs and highs at your lows. Empathy and reassurance are both beautiful ways to be present to your child’s pain, and she may need both during times that you don’t believe merit worries or fears. Grief and fears don't have to make sense to us to offer comfort and compassion.
Your role is, as best as you can, to ease your child’s immediate distress by staying close, offering physical comfort, and acknowledging that the fears and emotions your child is experiencing are real to them. When your child expresses fear of death or separation from you, acknowledge the fear and the emotions. It does not make the fear or emotions bigger. It helps lessen the fears and emotions because you witness and name them, giving less power to the anxiety and worry.
2. Teach coping skills
When we acknowledge a child’s fears we also want to teach them coping skills. Teach your child to do a muscle relaxation exercise after you talk about the fear or worry. Develop a mantra that they can say, such as “each breath relaxes me more” or “all is well, and I am safe.” Encourage them to visualize themselves in a peaceful environment. They may also enjoy developing and imagining a hero who protects them at night.
3. Play evening games
Because nighttime is the most common time for anxiety and worries to show up, one way to help your child release their pent-up energy is through evening games. Plan them close to bedtime when possible. Games that encourage laughter, silliness, and connection are great because they help release oxytocin, the hormone we commonly call the love hormone. You can play Touch and Go (TAG), Attack, also known as wrestling, Hide and Seek, or other games that encourage unforced genuine laughter.
4. Offer a security object
Some children who struggle to sleep find it beneficial to have a special doll, blanket, or security object. Together go to the store or shop online for a unique security object that resonates with your child. If your child chooses a doll, they can be encouraged to protect it at night or have the doll protect them. By having an object of security, a child can feel a sense of safety or be empowered to keep the object safe.
5. Read books and process the fears and emotions
There is no doubt that books can be an excellent tool to help children and adults access the language to talk about painful emotions. Together read books about death, grief, and family love and connection. The Invisible String by Patrice Karst and Ida, Always by Caron Levis are two beautiful books that can help guide your conversation and offer comfort to your child.
Let your child ask questions and answer in age-appropriate ways. For example, if your child, who is six asks where their loved one is now, you can answer briefly where their body is at the moment without going into all the details of how their body got where it is. If you don’t know the answer, that's okay. You don’t have to have all the answers. Part of life is accepting that there are mysteries that we will never answer, and still, we can be with and support each other.
While my guess is that you are using literal language with your child to talk about death, I want to emphasize the importance of avoiding euphemisms when talking to young children. Phrases such as “they passed away,” “they went to be with God,” “they’re resting/sleeping” can be confusing to young children and can create more fears and anxiety. Older children can generally hold dual stances on reality, death, and religious beliefs, but you know your child best as a parent.
Death is a painful experience for us all. While you help your child process their emotions, worries, and fears, I encourage you to allow yourself to process your feelings, pain, and grief as well.