I’m a New Parent, Am I Worrying Too Much?
I am a first-time mom. I am constantly worrying about my daughter falling sick. She had developed a severe rash, and it took almost 1.5 months to heal. This whole situation has made me feel very scared. I continuously keep checking her and pick up any point and try to convert it into an illness. I am doing this to tell myself that I am preemptive, but that is only and only increasing my worry of whether I will be able to raise her well. Please help me.
Payal, mother of a 12 wk old
Being a new parent is a massive shift and can bring about many worries and fears! While it may feel as if you are the only one experiencing these intense feelings and concerns, it is not only you.
Many new parents experience difficulties and challenges in their first year of parenthood.
Let’s examine what has happened and where the worry of whether or not you will raise her well may have developed. Then I’ll share a few tips to help you manage your anxious thoughts.
You are a new parent and have experienced many changes to your lifestyle, body, and hormones. You have undergone a significant transformation in your brain. A new parent’s brain rewires to release dopamine (the “feel-good” neurotransmitter) to things it may have never experienced, such as when a baby, specifically your baby, grins or squeals. Likewise, when your baby is in distress, your brain releases oxytocin and other brain chemicals, reinforcing the urgency of your baby’s needs.
When your daughter became ill, your brain and body were on high alert. During this stressful and challenging month and a half of your daughter feeling well, your anxiety likely increased. If you could only anticipate all the things that could happen and prepared, then you could keep your child safe. Your thoughts may have taken you through all the ‘what if’ scenarios.
About 15 to 21% develop a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. You can read more about postpartum anxiety here. While this is not therapy, I would encourage you to consult with your physician or a mental health provider if you show symptoms of a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. Doing so can help you begin the process of feeling like yourself again.
Anxiety occurs when our body detects danger, distress, or conflict. The threat, real or perceived, activates your body, and anxiety “serves” the purpose of alerting you and attempting to keep you safe.
The thoughts, worries, and alertness may have served you a purpose during your daughter’s illness, but now that your daughter is well, it may no longer be serving you a purpose. But anxiety doesn’t simply go away overnight, nor do we need to try to get rid of it actively.
Remember anxiety is a protective response. Rather than eliminate it, learn to regulate your body, distinguish between thoughts and facts, explore what purpose anxiety may be serving you, and get support if your anxiety prevents you from living your life.
Regulate your body. When you are experiencing anxiety, your body activates the fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses. For you to feel safe, your body may have gone into a flight response. You may have over-thought all the scenarios and ‘what ifs.’ You may have checked on your daughter every two minutes to ensure she was safe. Now that your daughter is better, your nervous system may still be activated when your thoughts move toward a worry or concern.
When you place your daughter safely in her crib to rest, and you step away to go take care of something else, your nervous system may get activated, and it is saying, “Danger, danger! You need to go check on her NOW!”
Before you run into the room, notice what is happening in your body and take a few minutes to regulate yourself. Do a few relaxation exercises. Take several deep belly breaths, a guided meditation, or recite validating mantras, “I am here. I am safe.” Regulating yourself takes conscious practice so put up notes around your home, if needed, with reminders to pause and practice these exercises. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to access when you need to.
Distinguish between thoughts and facts. Thoughts are constantly arising in our minds, and simply because they are there doesn’t make them accurate. When a thought arises, pause and notice where the thought spiraled out of control. The thought in and of itself is neither good nor bad. Think about where it spiraled out of control and making a mental note about what is factual. Doing so can help you distinguish between what is accurate and what stems from fear or other emotions.
For example, during your morning walk, you regularly wave to your neighbor who sits on their patio each morning reading their newspaper. This morning they are not there, and you have a thought and then more thoughts that spiral through all the darkest scenarios. Before you know it, you’ve convinced yourself that something terrible has happened to your neighbor. As you approach your home again, your neighbor steps out of their home. They share that their daughter called them that morning to share the news that their granddaughter was born.
Noticing the initial thought and feelings that arise and reminding yourself of what is accurate at that moment can help you acknowledge the thought and feelings while not get sucked into them.
Acknowledge and explore the feelings that come up. Persistent and intrusive thoughts frequently show up because of underlying emotions. In the example above, the emotion may have been fear. Getting familiar with the feelings that present themselves in a safe relationship, such as with a partner or therapist, can help you create awareness and capacity for those emotions.
Get support. Asking for help can be one of the most challenging parts of treating anxiety, and you deserve to feel better. When do you know it is time to get help?
If your anxiety impacts your day-to-day life and relationships, I encourage you to tell someone you trust. Get connected with a mental health provider. You can find a directory of providers and support groups meeting virtually or in person on Postpartum Support International.
You are not alone. You can and deserve to feel better.