How to Build Persistence

Parents desire to build persistence in young children, from the baby who cries because they feel uncomfortable in the car seat to the teenager who wants to skip the first day of their new school.

Persistence is the ability to continue doing or attempting something even though it is difficult. To be persistent, we need resilience, the ability to recover quickly from difficulties. Children need a consistent, supportive, and responsive enough relationship with a caring adult to build resilience.

Resilience is not toughening up or, as they say in the South, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Expecting children to suppress difficult emotions to recover quickly and therefore persist does not build resilience; it creates rigidity. It produces inflexibility around what a child thinks they can do because they have not learned to face difficult emotions. A child may temporarily ignore difficult emotions and meet externally challenging situations such as building blocks. Still, they may be unable to cope with the discomfort when they encounter more difficult internal challenges such as self-worth or a struggling relationship.

Resilience is more than toughening up.

Resilience occurs when a child has more positive than negative influences that help the child push past the discomfort of the negative influences to accomplish their goal.

A toddler who cannot fit the square peg into the round hole and throws the pegs, screaming and crying out of frustration, needs enough positive influences for them to feel capable enough to attempt the challenge again.

Because a child’s toolbox forms in childhood, the positive influences come from their environment, which is internalized and becomes what they will continue to use throughout childhood and adulthood. Here are a few tools you can help add to your child's toolbox.

Name and Accept Emotions

I can see the eye rolls. Do we have to talk about emotions again?! Before you click exit, let me explain.

Emotions drive our behavior, at least until a child learns to differentiate between emotions and self. Intense emotions produce quick behavioral actions. A toddler angry because they cannot make a toy work will have an immediate behavioral reaction such as throwing the toy. To independently choose a different response, a child needs to understand the emotion that drove the behavior. Young children need consistent practice, so do not be alarmed if you are naming emotions often.

When emotion becomes exposed, your child has the opportunity to release the emotion. Anger turns to sadness, and your child may cry. Their tears are healing, and your child's visible anger becomes sadness because they have directly witnessed their limitations. 

Encourage Without Force

Without forcing or taking over the challenge, encourage your child to try again. Encouraging and honoring your child’s capability is a tricky balancing act. Your child may not want to attempt the task again, and that’s okay, don’t force them. But you may notice that your child is still wanting to try. They may be looking at the blocks or the steep slide with desire in their eyes. In these situations, encourage them to be persistent. They may need some help. Offer a small amount of support, such as showing them how to hold the block or offering to hold their hand at the top of the slide but refrain from taking over. Your child wants to feel good about having accomplished the task, and that’s hard to do when someone does it for you.

Retell the Story

Whether your child decides to attempt the challenge again or they decide to move on, come back to the event and retell the story of the challenge they faced. Focus on your child's emotional experience and let them talk about it as often as they want. Your child may conclude that the situation was too difficult for them. Help them reframe the story. The problem was hard, the emotions were uncomfortable, and they made it through their complex emotions. 

Notice the Process

Avoid praising the result and instead notice the process. Notice out loud how your child is pushing past their discomfort even if they don’t accomplish their goal.

“You kept trying to make the square block fit. It was so hard, and it didn’t work, but wow, you kept trying!”

“You felt scared going down the slide. I get that. That is a very steep slide. I noticed that you faced your fear by going to the very top again even when you felt scared. You chose not to go down this time, and that’s okay. Hmm. I wonder if next time you’ll look at that slide and say, I made it to the top two times already; this time, I’m riding it down.” 

Give Unconditional Regard

Tell yourself this: My child doesn’t need to do anything for me to offer them comfort, attention, and affection.

Regardless of whether your child pushes past their fear the same day or in three months, they deserve and need comfort, attention, and affection irrespective of the outcome. Children who constantly feel loved know they are loved. The neural pathways in your child's brain begin to wire to expect unconditional regard regardless of whether they make the round peg fit. When unconditional regard is the foundation, your child is more willing to take risks because taking risks and not accomplishing the outcome they, or you, expect doesn’t affect their relationship with you.